The Three Little Pigs - 2010 Edition

Okay, so i'm not much of a writer but i'm going to tell you guys a little story.



Once upon a time in a far away land lived three little pigs. They were under the control of their pimp aka the big bad wolf.
The middle pig was homosexual but everyone loved him because he was fabulous.
The other two were just plain run of the mill man whores. These two would nail anything for a quick buck.

They all lived in a house together in Hillbrow.

Wolf always made them do some real freaky shit. One day he told middle piggy he has a job for him. Now you see, middle piggy was very excited about this as he never really gets a lot of work, he was so excited in fact that he jumped up and down dropping his handbag and breaking a heel. It was all too good to be true for the homosexual piggy because wolf never really cared for him. His entire world came crashing down when he found out that Wolf had arranged a date for him with a Nigerian Dwarf Goat that just moved to Hillbrow.

Middle piggy quickly ran to his brothers because he IS NOT gonna get in on with a Dwarf Goat no matter what Wolf says. They told him to do it because they need the money. Little did middle piggy know that they wanted his money because the crack house down the street has a special on cocaine this week, 50% clearance sale.

Middle piggy told Wolf he is not going to do it as he is scared and not attracted to Dwarf Goats at all so Wolf whipped out his pimp hand and hit middle piggy across the face.

Now you see, the two man ho pigs, although they were trying to use their brother for cocaine money they really loved him and didn't like when others abused him. Pig 1 and 3 then devised a plan to get rid of the Wolf. They told middle piggy to go hide, they gave him a PlayGirl magazine and sent him to the room and locked him in.

Later that afternoon Wolf came back from a meeting in Sandton. Little did he know whats waiting for him inside.

Wolf entered the house and pig one jumped him and put him in a choke hold, pig 3 then kicked him in the balls so he couldn't fight back. Eventually wolf passed out, as a safety measure they put a chloroform cloth over his mouth and nose.

Pig 1 and 3 then dumped Wolf in the back of his very own pimp wagon. They went to get middle piggy and the 3 of them set off to the woods but first they had to fill up the car as its a long drive to the Swazi Mountains.

They eventually got through the Swazi Border. Once they were in the woods they parked the pimp wagon, opened the boot and threw Wolf out. Now they did not kill wolf because they might be 2 man whores and a homosexual piggy but they are no stone faced killers. They just dropped him off, had the pimp wagon resprayed and the vin numbers taken off because you know, its Swaziland, its what they do. After that was done they all got back in, smoked a nice joint and went back to Hillbrow.

Wolf woke up with one massive headache and a bruised testicle. He was hungry and alone in the Swazi mountains and also just a little scared.

He then spotted a girl running through the woods and he chased after her. Now this girl obviously had implants because you can spot those fake puppies a mile away. She was in very good shape though. Wolf immediately thought he could pimp her out and make a shit load of money. This chicks name was Little Red Riding Hooker and she ran through the woods with her little basket of muffins and 3 packets of Lover Plus condoms because you know, safety first, no glove no love.

She eventually invited wolf for dinner. He got to her cabin in the woods, you can spot it because its the only one with a red light and XXX sing outside. Little did wolf know that Little Red Riding hooker knew some kung fu. He tried his moves on her, she kung fu kicked him breaking his neck, she ate his heart and stole his sole and that was the end of the big bad wolf.

The 3 little pigs got back to Hillbrow, their little house burnt down as middle piggy lit a smoke in the bathroom where they also had a meth lab, he forgot to put it out and the house burnt down. It was an honest mistake but they were happy because wolf was no longer there and they all lived happily ever after.

Pig 1 went on to become a very well known night club owner that would later be assassinated.

Middle Piggy started his own production company and record label. He is now rich an famous.

Pig 3 started an online gambling business and is doing very well.

Wolf, well, he is still dead.

Little Red Riding Hooker went on to become an FHM Model and Ultimate Fighting Champion.

The End.

Some Things About Being A Tog - Part 2

The beach is the perfect location for all kinds of different types of Photography: macro, documentary, seascape, portrait and even wildlife. This blog is about helping you see what we as Photographers see when we go out there so you can get some of your creative juices flowing.

Some of you like looking at pics of Macro Photography and some dont have a clue what it is, i promise if you give it a try you will fall in love with it. The above image is an example of Macro Photography. Being at the beach gives you endless opportunities for Macro Photography and some Creative Abstracts. Some nice examples are Footprints in the sand, shells or some intersecting blades of grass.
For some kick ass macros its a good idea to have a shallow depth of field and a wide aperture. Just zoom in, hold steady, focus and take that image.



Coastlines presents you with a wonderful array of photographic possibilities ranging from people shots on a crowded summer beach to more landscape oriented shots with waves crashing, ragged cliff faces and moody skies.



Its no use going out there with your camera and you dont have a clue what you are going to shoot, i cant tell you how many people email me some holiday snaps they took and i have to comment on them, as you guys know im extremely honest and say things as i see them and thats exactly what those images are, happy snaps, i dont have anything against it because its your memories but one can only look at so many blue skies and water images before losing interest. You have to find a point of interest, that is maybe the single most important tip there is and not only for beach photography but for ALL kinds of photography. A point of interest draws people into the image leaving them with exactly the same thought as you had when you first saw that image.

It's also a good idea to add some reflections into your shots and large bodies of water is the perfect place to do that but beware, the reflection can make or break your image.



So you want to Photograph a sunrise? Well, here is how i do it, i promise it works, just give it a try.
Your alarm clock goes off, you open one eye to look at the time, uuuhg its 5am and suddenly you remember the reason for setting the damn thing so early so you groan for a minute and roll out of bed.You peak out the window, jip, still dark outside and you give another groan.

Then things start moving, you dress, you go to your gear, you have the little checklist in your mind of what you need.
Camera - Check
24-70mm Lens - Check
Tripod - Check
Shutter Release - Check
Okay you are good to go.

Now these are the settings i use for when doing some sunrise images.




Shutter Speed (TV) 20 seconds
The early morning light is soft and diffused, so you need a longer shutter speed to let in more light, otherwise your picture will be underexposed

ISO = 100
With a long shutter speed, you don’t need your sensor to be more sensitive to the light. And with a low ISO, you have a higher dynamic range for stronger intensity of color

White Balance - Shade
Morning light is cooler in colour tones. You can correct this with you White Balance, just shoot in shade till the sunlight feels golden and warm.

And there you go, that is how you shoot sunrise images.

Maybe the most fun about being a Photographer is the fact that you are a Director too, you get to shunt pretty girls around and they dont have a choice but to listen to you, any guy will agree with me that its FUN. But there are some rules to shunting people round left and right and making them do what you want them to do.
Rule number 1 is to Listen and Respect the client you are working with, sure they pay you but listen to them because they might have some cool ideas you never thought about, always be open to suggestions.

I dont care if your client is Justin Bieber or Lady Gaga you have to respect them and give them what they pay you for.

Just relax. If you are nervous or anxious about the shoot then your subject will feel that and they will shut down and then you can just as well pack up and go home.

Now, this is most probably the last blog i will do on photography, i just really need to blog about that Gaga woman again and vent something to feel more human, who knows, i may as well put Justin Bieber in there too.

Some more pics, hope you like it.

Some Things About Being A Tog

I've been doing Photography for a number of years now and if someone tells you that being a Photographer is about holding a camera and clicking a button then i give you the permission to take the closest blunt object and hit them over the head with it.

Being a Photographer is hard work, it's a lot of fun but extremely hard work because you have to read the light and adjust your gear accordingly but thats not all.

This blog is not about me preaching to you about what to do and what not to do, this is merely me sharing some images with you.

For some time now I've been thinking about doing my own Photo Book but not only with pictures, it will be something that can help you take better images because i will explain how i took the image and with what settings.


Photography is not something you stumble upon one day when you are bored at home and you play with your camera. Photography is a passion, if you don't have a passion for it then...well...you can just put your camera back in the box and leave it because you will get frustrated. Most people see a picture in a magazine or they see the Pictures me and my Photographer friends post and they wonder "how did they do that?" and most of the time they get inspired by our work and take out their cameras and go mad, thats all good and well but most people get frustrated because they don't get the same quality image as the one they saw.

Let me tell you, most Togs take up to 500 images at once and only about 50-100 of those are workable. Its easy taking the image, any fool can do that, but the settings you use and post production is the most important part of Photography. You cant go into post production using a crappy image, you will fall flat on your face if you do. I always say, the most important thing is taking a great image first and then you make that great image an amazing one in post production.



The above image is one of the first images i took as a Photographer waaaay back in the day, it was take just as the sun set in Gordon's Bay.

Now most people will look at you as if you are an idiot when you rock up at a spot with camera, lenses, trigger and tripod in hand. Most people will not bother you but the majority will come over and ask to see what you took pictures of. If you are scared or shy then Photography is not for you because Photography is about sharing with the world what you see. People want to see what you see through that little view finder because most people go through life not noticing their surroundings. Photographers notice every single thing, it doesn't matter how small it is, we have the eye for taking an image that might be silly to you and making that something you will want as either a background or a print in your house.



This image was done in my house, all i did was i shut off all the power, it was like 11pm and i really wanted to test some Light Photography out. I used a normal little LED hand held torch. I put my camera on a tripod, i used a trigger and in manual mode i just kept the shutter open so it would catch and keep the light falling on the sensor. You can basically go crazy when doing this, you can paint a name or just do some shapes.

I remember when i took my brother and his girlfriend out for a night shoot in Strand. We were standing there, they did their poses and i just took pics of them and then some images of just cars passing so i could make trails with their lights, this one family came out of the restaurant and they wanted to see what i was taking pics of, they could not believe, or should i say, they did not believe that the images on my camera was of the town they lived in. Thats why you cant be shy when being a Tog because people will engage you at random times.



Being a Photographer is dirty work, no really it is, you have to crawl around, climb onto stuff, lean over stuff and thats just to get the perfect angle for the image. The image on the left was taken in Franschhoek. I was literally lying flat on my stomach in the middle of a busy sidewalk where people had to climb over me, they didn't moan because if you carry your gear around with you then people know you are working.

If there is one thing I've learned is that you cant just be a tog and put your camera down when you don't feel like taking pics. You have to practice every single day, it doesn't matter if you are a Pro or if you are just starting out, you have to practice, it doesn't matter what you take pics of as long as you go out there and shoot shoot shoot.

You can't be scared to take chances. The first rule of being a Photographer is to know ALL the rules and most Photographers do know all the rules but we just choose to break them all, thats what will set you apart as a Tog, its what will make you stand out from the rest....


These are just some more images to look at, hope you enjoy.

What the fuck im only starting....

Okay, here goes.

I have never done a blog before in my life and now you people want me to blog, well fuck you i will do this just for you. I have no bloody idea what im going to say but im for damn sure gonna give it a go so i can get you off my back. Yes im talking to all of you on my twitter thats basically the only ones thats going to read this, hello guys *waves and high 5's all round*

Now unlike most my friends im not really a writer, i can tweet the Holy Shit out of Twitter but thats where it ends. How the fuck do you expect me to blog about my life and then have people read it and find it interesting.

I kinda feel like im working for a Newspaper at this point, the Huisgenoot is kinda like a newspaper right? No?? Okay!!

I have no damn clue what im saying here so all you "Professional" writers out there, yes you with the silly hat, go on and laugh your head off you tweed wearing dwiss. I might not be much of a writer but i can sure kick your ass when it comes to Photography, so just shut your trap.

Okay so whats up with Lady KwaKwa (her African name)? Is she man, woman or disturbed little child with daddy issues? Id still like to know if she sports morning wood when she wakes up? If anyone can tell me that will just be awesome, and also, if you can just kick her in the manberries that would be the shit.

Now that ive got my Lady GaGa stuff out of the way i can just move on and never speak of the guy again. Sorry to all you Lady GaGa fans out there, this is MY Blog and i can pretty much say whatever i want.

Oh yeah and a special Hello to my little brother William who was in a car accident yesterday, im glad you are doing well bro. If i catch that fucker Nick i will rip his heart out his ass and feed it to some dogs....moerskont!!!

Oh My Sack i feel like im at the Oscars.

Okay, so most of you know me as being a little weird, a little rude and always the one that's lost the plot somewhere along the line, well, you are right, im not rude though, im just honest and i say what i want, i say things most of you think but will never ever say. If my blogging gets out of hand you have nobody to blame but yourselves coz YOU are the ones that wanted this.

Okay i think this is it, not the best attempt at a first blog but what the fuck am i supposed to say?? I promise something nicer next time.....